Remedy

BREATHE.

think  clearly.  concisely.  slowly.  inhale,  good.  nothing  is  bad, only  beautiful,  

so sMile.  (:

Losing Some Things Of Importance

It's crazy how things you obtain for a lifetime can be taken away so suddenly. A moment it is there, the next, nonexistent. Nothing lasts, this I know; but one incident changes your life forever. You are no longer the same person. You look the same, act the same, seem the same, but somewhere deep inside you have changed.  You don't look at yourself the same, don't know what to think about the subject. It happened, you accept that, but part of you wishes you could change it, another not regretting it all. Things happen for a reason, maybe it's better off this way.  We'll find out one day I suppose. Until then, vivir un vida loco. 

Pretty Trash

The flower 's

Color is felt  

Against your finger

As the red liquid 

Rolls down gracefully

Dripping onto the ground

Oh 

Red, red Rose

Why do you tell me so?

Can I not enjoy you without pain?

You place the flower in the garbage

And throw her away. 

Roll Over

Twisting your feet

In the spiraled sheets

Trying to get comfortable

Next to me,

Your itching to leave

I see it in your movements

Roll of the bed

Onto the carpet

I grant your wish 

Pop the pills

And drift away from you

Lying on the floor. 

What Wonders In The Sky

Animals float

In the water

Above the earth

Hovering the humans

And their prototypes

Watching us 

As we look up to them

With wondrous eyes

Wishing we could be a part of their world.  

On the Edge of the Black Bed

Traveling through time

Into fazes of memories

Through  your mind

Stopping and going

As you please

Soaring past colors

You laugh 

And cry

At your life's mistakes

Slowly sinking into it's abyss 

Your eyes close

For the last time. 

Rationalism

Reason

Season

Freezing

Pleasing

Treason

Lesion 

Teasing

There's no rhyme 

Without reason. 

The Body's Weather

Heat travels up my spine

Serendipitously 

Crawling all over

My body

My mind

Blinded with sun

Can't think clearly

With this sudden 

Climate change

Enrapturing me

Kindly, yet harshly

I melt 

Into the earth.

Peace

ReLive Time

Break through the barriers 

Of physics

And clocks

Open your mind

To the past

The present

Create possibilities

For the future

In your head

Without a word

Less you will be

Dead. 

Dayz

Sitting on the porch as you always do, smoking a cigarette and messing around on the computer. No one is online, no one is texting you; you assume this is because it's a Sunday night although that is not too convincing. Music is playing in the background, inspiring you; or maybe just calming you down. The small town is quiet, everyone is tucked away in their bungalows, or in someone else's. You think about the boy you met last night who was supposed to come to your apartment but you got sick and passed out. You wonder if he is ever going to text you back again or accept your facebook friend request. You sit quietly on your porch, ever so quietly. You think the neighbors must think you're weird for practically living on this porch. You have nothing else to think about, there is nothing else; except for the English reading you have yet to do. Another day has come and gone in your mediocre life. You realize nothing vital has been taken care of and you don't care. You are and that is all that matters.  

"Smoking My Cancer"

Smoke

Swirls like ballerinas 

Dancing in the sky

Swirling 

Twirling 

With inexplainable grace

Surrounding its victim

Gloriously 

Waving its hand 

Majestically captivating

The air it consumes

Smoke.

Moth

Creating so many holes, 

So much to mend,

It bewilders me. 

How did such an unsuspecting creature

Bring about such damage?

So quiet, so serene,

It crept into my darkest corner,

Leaving no evidence

Except tons of tiny holes. 

My most treasured sentiments 

Ruined,

Which holds my disdain

Against this creature. 

His work, however natural 

Must be put to an end, 

I can stand no more holes 

Else I have nothing to shield 

Myself from the world.

I put my cigarette out,

Burning this careless insect 

Relinquishing him from

My closet,

Putting an end to this madness.

I close the door triumphant, 

Yet melancholic,

For his damage 

Brought light to possibility, 

An endless array of new color to 

The droll garments.

All stopped with a simple 

Ash of light.

Gather Together

We all have our concepts of the world.

I know everyone looks at it differently. 

I want to see what others see.

I want to hear what others hear.

I want to share what I feel. 

Come on over,

It's not too early,

It's not too late,

To begin what we always wanted to start.

A revolution. 

A revelation. 

A sensation. 

A nation. 

Gather 'round, 

For this epiphany quickly,

Before it's too late

To catch a glimpse 

At this shooting star. 

Serum for the Sick

Am I out of my mind? 

Going up 

Going down

Drifting sideways

Out of this place

To a land 

Filled with smiles

No frowns

Purple ponies

Bright green trees

Perfumed flowers

Wonders all around

I can't grasp 

This concept 

This freedom

Too cool

For school

Mozy down to the sidewalk

Walking no where

In my mind

In myself

More than I could have ever imagined

Am I out of my mind?

Am I going insane?

Or am I discovering

Myself. 

Remembering Heartbreak

It is incredibly weird that the strong strong feelings I had for Gabe a little over four months ago have completely diminished. The whole Gabe faze started a little over a week before Thanksgiving break. We were outside smoking a cigarette and he was sitting in the chair I had sat in earlier that day. 

"I'm sorry, I stole your chair."

"It's fine, I don't really care. giggle. giggle," I replied. 

"Well, you can sit on my lap if you want..."

And so it began. We stayed outside talking forever, me sitting horizontally over his beautiful 

olive skinny body. I took him up to my apartment to show him a lithograph I did senior year, 

which applied to the conversation we were having. We talked a lot that week, always sat really 

close together on the couch, and even though I thought the chemistry wasn't noticeable or even 

sure if it was really there all our friends kept asking if something was going on between us.  

I think it was a Tuesday when he kissed me. Drew, Gabe and I were chilling at Drew's watching a movie. Drew left to go to Benson's for a couple minutes so Gabe and I were left sitting dangerously close on the couch. I was sitting stone still, just watching the movie not expecting anything at all. Out of no where Gabe tilted his head down to the left toward me and practically kissed the side of my mouth. I was shocked. At first I didn't kiss back because I was still stunned out of my mind and a little stoned, but the kiss was so utterly gentle and soft I fell limp. My shoulders slumped down, my body utterly relaxed itself like never before or thereafter. Eventually I came to and kissed back although I was still dazed from surprise and the kiss. I backed up on the couch in a seductive way, but really I only wanted to sit back against comfy pillows and not sit uncomfortably twist my spine as I was, Gabe apparently thought it was an invitation to feel me up. He attempted three times, failed the first two and finally he seduced me to let him touch my breast. He did it so carefully and again, gentle. Then I suppose he heard Drew's feet in the hallway and shot up swiftly, kind of helping me up in the process. Drew walked in and we acted as if nothing had happened. After that night Gabe has never acted the same around me; except for the day I got back to Auburn from Spring break. I slept over at Sewell in his room, in his bed because he highly suggested it. We were talking for a while, I asking lots of questions to avoid the luring awkwardness. He kept flirtatiously finding excuses to lay closer to me, the room continuously got warmer to the point of numbing my skin.  We kept positioning ourselves all over one another. Then I laid too close to Gabe and he "woke up," jumped out of bed and left the room. I just rolled over and tried to sleep.  Gabe was gone for about twenty minutes and when he came back he grabbed a blanket and went on the top bunk. 

I thought, "What the hell is the guys doing? I never understand him! Why does he tease me? Whatever, I'm going to bed."

After that instance Gabe stopped talking to me again. I gave up completely on him in late March after that terrible first night back. There's our story, our history, our whatever the hell it was; nothing, it was nothing. 

I am still curious about him, about the couple we'd make, about kissing him more, re-doing the surprise kiss that started it all, curious if he still has any interest in me.  Oddly enough, it all ends with wondering. No more heartbreak, no more tears, no more torture. I can barely remember what it felt like, I have to rack my brain for that time in my life when the world revolved around Gabe and I couldn't go a single day without seeing him or feeling my heart tear incessantly; even then I have a difficult time channeling the emotions I dealt with everyday. 

However, I do remember how I thought. I remember literally centering my world around him. I wouldn't go out-out, I think I did only twice from early November through early January. Instead of partying I would go down to Drew's where Gabe always stayed and sometimes Sewell Hall, where he really lived, and smoke with them. A lot of the time it was just Drew, Gabe and me hanging out. Sometimes Gabe and I would be awkwardly left alone, I would try to make conversation and act like it wasn't awkward, but he put up a gigantic wall and wouldn't let me through. I think he tried to encourage me not to like him or become attached to him. At first, that tacit did not work. I could tell he still wanted me too, especially when he was really high. Gabe's eyes would lock with mine often on these occasions and the vibe was surreal.  I would often catch him looking at me with this expression that looked as if he wanted to devour me so badly but was using all his strength and will power to hold himself back; which always reminded me of Twilight's Edward Cullen. His jaw would be clenched, eyes intense and focused, pupils dilated (possibly from more than just the high?), and he would be completely tense-looking. During these intense moments, if  we made eye contact he practically looked like he was in pain. To this day I am still daunted by this "stance." It made no sense to me, honestly I thought he still had feelings for me, I think if one has suspicions that another likes them they're usually correct; so knowing he wanted me but held back hurt me. 

I wanted him to kiss me again, hold me, love me. I think I was in love with him, maybe it was an intense lust, but it was something that I have never experienced so strongly before, plus he is still the best kisser out of the fifty-odd people I've kissed. I seriously doubt anything will ever happen between us, however my curiosity of the sort of relationship we would have continues. I am positive if in November we had started dating I would have fallen head over heals in love, if I wasn't already. I can't speak for him, but there's always that possibly he would have too. Now Gabe is not even coming back to Auburn next year. I'm sure I'll see him again, whenever he visits but I now know there is no chance, no hope. It is officially over.  I've done very well getting over him, it was one of the hardest 'crushes' to look past but eventually I did it by limiting my time downstairs and hanging out with different people. If there's a will, there's a way. He goes on living.  I go on living. Too bad I'll never know if he is my soulmate or not. Maybe not. But it could have definitely been one hoTt stage in our lives.